Didn't get a chance to go to a meeting yesterday. I ended up spending about 8 hours at my Aunt and Uncle's, filled them in about how I'm back in the program. Told my Aunt everything I'd been doing, how it had moved to heavier shit and that's what made me hit my bottom. Talking to her about my previous recovery attempts and explaining to her why I felt like this one was different really allowed me to see how I'd finally hit my low. I guess before, after I got out of rehab, I just wasn't ready to give it up. Now I know what they mean by "You weren't done using yet." Speaking of knowing what they mean....
Since I've found my home in NA, and found in myself what is so attractive about certain drugs and why I can't control how I use them, I've had no qualms with anything. I used to sit in AA and create lists of fallacies in AA philosophy, explaining how their arguments didn't hold through, how they weren't true for me, how I was jealous of the people who connected so much with the program. I felt hopeless because AA is so effective, and if it didn't work for me I thought nothing would. Now in NA I'm not making any lists. I can't find any fallacies in their arguments, and everything they say is true for me. I finally understand the feeling of belonging that people in AA felt. All I had to do was think of it in terms of the substance that really got me, which to my surprise wasn't really alcohol.
Not to say I'm going to continue drinking. I'm the best addiction hopper in the world. I stopped using Ativan, but suddenly whiskey seemed so much more appealing. Drinking is something that I definitely have to get rid of.
Marijuana I feel is a different story. But that's for another post. I've been having a hard day. Hard to say goodbye with the misery that defined me for so long, makes me afraid of getting clean. More on that tomorrow. Thanks for letting me share
